9 Soft Practices for Women Learning to Soften After Survival
When Softness Feels Dangerous: Healing for Women Who Had to Be Hard to Survive
For years, I didn't know how to be soft. Softness felt dangerous. It felt like vulnerability, like weakness, like an invitation for people to hurt me again. So I stayed hard. I stayed guarded. I built walls so high that nobody could get in—not even me.
I had learned early that softness wasn't safe. When I was soft as a child, I was abused. When I was vulnerable, I was violated. When I trusted, I was betrayed. My own mother, who should have protected me, had a direct hand in my abuse. The people who should have kept me safe failed me in the most fundamental ways.
So I learned to be hard. I learned to push through. I learned to need no one, to carry everything myself, to never show pain or weakness or need. I learned to work four jobs at once and never ask for help. I learned to give and give and give without ever receiving, because receiving meant owing someone, and owing someone meant they had power over me.
Being hard kept me alive. It got me through an abusive marriage. It got me through years of overwork and survival mode. It protected me when no one else would.
But it also almost killed me.
Because here's what they don't tell you about hardness: it's not sustainable. You can survive by being hard, but you can't thrive. You can't truly live. You can't connect. You can't rest. You can't heal. You can't be fully human when you're encased in armor.
I learned this when my body finally forced me to stop. Bedridden for months, too sick to maintain the hardness anymore. When all my defenses were stripped away, and I had no choice but to be vulnerable, to receive help, to let my teenage daughter Rose see me at my absolute worst.
And that's when something unexpected happened: in my softness, in my complete vulnerability, healing became possible not just for me, but for both of us.
Rose and I finally talked about the trauma we'd both experienced. We grieved together. We acknowledged the ways I'd failed her because I was so hardened, so disembodied, so consumed by survival that I couldn't truly be present with her. And we began to heal—not despite my softness, but because of it.
This is what I want you to understand: if you learned to be hard to survive, that hardness served you. It protected you when you needed protection. It got you through when nobody else was there for you. You're not wrong for being hard. You're brilliant. You're a survivor. That hardness is evidence of your strength, not your failure.
But if you're here, if you're reading this, it's probably because that hardness is no longer serving you. It's probably starting to hurt. It's probably keeping you isolated, exhausted, unable to receive love or support even when it's offered. It's probably making you perpetually braced for the next blow instead of allowing you to rest in the present moment.
Softness after hardness isn't weakness. It's courage. It's one of the bravest things a survivor can do—to choose vulnerability again after life taught you that vulnerability gets you hurt.
But here's what makes it complicated: you can't just decide to be soft one day and have all your armor dissolve. Trauma lives in the body. Your nervous system remembers every time softness led to pain. Even when you consciously want to soften, your body might resist. It might keep you in fight-or-flight mode. It might make vulnerability feel physically unsafe.
This is where trauma-informed healing comes in. This is where we honor that your body's hypervigilance, your hardness, your inability to rest—these aren't character flaws. They're nervous system responses to legitimate danger you experienced. Your body is trying to protect you. It just doesn't know yet that you're safe now.
Learning to be soft again is a process. It's not a switch you flip. It's a gradual thawing, a slow rebuilding of trust—not just in others, but in yourself, in your body, in the possibility that you can be vulnerable without being violated.
For me, it started small. It started with letting Rose help me when I was bedridden, even though every instinct told me to push her away and handle it myself. It started with crying in front of someone, letting them see my pain instead of hiding it. It started with saying "I need help" out loud, even when my throat closed around the words.
It continued with practices that helped regulate my nervous system—Reiki, trauma-informed yoga, working with the drum and rattle, chanting, and connecting to my ancestors. These practices helped my body remember that it could rest, that it could let go of the constant vigilance, that it could be soft without being in danger.
And slowly, over time, softness stopped feeling dangerous and started feeling like homecoming. Like remembering who I actually was before I learned I had to be hard. Like reclaiming the parts of myself I'd abandoned in order to survive.
My Soft Living Codes
Before I discovered what soft living truly meant, I never questioned the notion of success or what healing could look like in my life. The concept I was taught was linear: work harder, do more, never stop, never rest. Weakness was failure. Vulnerability was danger.
Many of us spend our entire lives not consciously connected to what softness means to us, adopting other people's visions of strength and resilience as our own, downplaying our need for rest and care.
My current Soft Living Codes are: Rest as Restoration, Boundaries as Sacred, Vulnerability as Strength, Community as Medicine, and Ancestral Healing as Liberation.
They serve as signposts to cross-correct whenever I feel myself slipping back into survival mode. They anchor me when I need to be reminded of what I'm calling in. They are the pillars that govern my everyday decisions.
These Soft Living principles are the cornerstone of what I teach in The Soft Hearts Society™, which has supported all my students in their day-to-day lives as they transition from survival to soft living.
"The secret to healing is not perfection but daily practice married with relentless self-compassion."
9 Soft Practices for Women Learning to Soften After Survival
1. Recognize Your Armor
Spend time this week simply noticing when you're in "hard" mode. What does it feel like in your body? Where do you hold tension? What situations trigger your armor?
Common signs: jaw clenching, shallow breathing, bracing your core, emotional numbness, hypervigilance, inability to cry, automatic "I'm fine" responses.
Don't try to change it yet—just notice. Awareness is the first step. Your hardness is a nervous system response trying to protect you. Acknowledge it with compassion: "Thank you for protecting me. You helped me survive."
Inside the Soft Hearts Society, we spend our first month (Module 1: Understanding Ancestral Patterns) identifying these protective patterns and understanding where they came from—not to shame them, but to honor them before we begin the work of release.
Questions to journal:
When do I feel myself getting hard?
What does my armor protect me from?
How has this hardness served me?
2. Daily Spiritual Practice for Softening
Every morning, I emphasize starting my day slowly and unhurriedly.
As someone who spent years in fight-or-flight, the waking hours of my morning are the most important. My practice usually begins with a guided meditation (often from my own library or Rose's sound healing), morning affirmations for softness and safety, and automatic gratitude journaling.
I make a nourishing herbal tea (chamomile, lavender, or rose), eat breakfast mindfully, and spend at least 5-10 minutes sitting outside, reading or simply being present. During this time, I also read my Soft Living codes and journal about what softness means to me today.
This practice takes at least an hour, during which I refrain from using my phone. I then intentionally slow down during my self-care routine before starting the rest of my day.
It is a simple ritual, but it grounds the energy for my entire day with presence, slowness, intentionality, and safety. I am a big believer that our spiritual practices are simple ways to deepen our connection with ourselves, wire ourselves for receivership, and create little pockets of softness throughout our day.
Regardless of my schedule, I will get up an hour earlier just to prioritize this practice. It has become one of my non-negotiables.
Inside the Soft Hearts Society™, members receive monthly guided meditations, Reiki transmissions, and sound-healing practices designed specifically for nervous system regulation and for learning to soften safely.
Questions to explore:
Do you have a spiritual practice?
What does it look like?
How does it make you feel after you complete it?
3. Practice Micro-Softening Throughout Your Day
Don't try to soften completely all at once—that will feel unsafe to your nervous system. Instead, practice tiny moments of softness throughout your day.
Micro-softening practices:
Soften your jaw
Drop your shoulders
Take one deep belly breath.
Let yourself feel one feeling for five seconds.
Pet an animal
Touch something soft
Listen to gentle music.
Hum or chant softly
These micro-moments teach your nervous system that softness can be safe in small doses. String enough small moments together, and eventually they create a new baseline.
In our Ancestral Healing curriculum, we use drumming, rattling, and light language as embodied practices to release tension and call in softness. These are not cognitive exercises—they're somatic, allowing your body to remember safety without words.
4. Work with Reiki and Energy Healing
Reiki has been one of the most transformative practices in my journey from hardness to softness.
As a Reiki Master, I've learned that your hardness lives in your body—in the tension you hold, in the energy blocks created by years of protection. Reiki offers a gentle, non-invasive way to release these blocks and allow healing energy to flow.
In the Soft Hearts Society, I offer monthly distance Reiki transmissions where we work specifically with:
Releasing ancestral burdens
Clearing inherited guilt and shame
Grounding into safety
Opening the heart after years of protection
Self-Reiki practice you can try:
Sit comfortably with feet flat on the ground.
Place one hand on your heart and the other on your lower abdomen.
Take deep breaths, visualizing healing energy flowing from your hands into these areas.
Set the intention: "I release what no longer serves me. I am safe to soften."
This simple technique can be practiced whenever you feel unbalanced, anxious, or burdened by old protective patterns.
Inside Module 5 of our Ancestral Healing curriculum, we dive deep into Reiki for Ancestral Healing, teaching you self-Reiki techniques and offering live Reiki transmissions during our weekly calls.
5. Create Healing Rituals for Your Lineage
Rituals are powerful ways to mark transitions, honor what was, and call in what's next. When I was learning to soften, I created specific rituals to help my nervous system understand that the danger had passed.
My softening rituals included:
Lighting a candle each evening to honor my ancestors and ask for their support in my healing
Creating an altar with photos of the women in my lineage who survived, acknowledging their strength while releasing their wounds
Writing forgiveness letters to myself and my ancestors, then burning them as an act of release.
Monthly rituals with Rose, where we honor our healing journey together
These rituals became anchors—tangible practices that reminded my body: "We are safe now. We can soften."
In the Soft Hearts Society™, we create monthly rituals aligned with our current healing theme. In Module 6 (Creating Healing Rituals for the Family Line) and Module 7 (Forgiving and Releasing Ancestors' Burdens), members learn to craft personalized rituals that honor their unique journeys.
Ritual to try this week: Create a simple releasing ritual. Light a candle, write down one thing you're ready to release (a pattern, a belief, a burden), and safely burn the paper while saying: "I release this with love. I am free."
6. Titrate Vulnerability with Safe People
Choose one safe person—someone who has proven they're trustworthy, who doesn't use vulnerability against you—and practice one small act of vulnerability with them.
Not trauma-dumping, not complete emotional exposure. Something manageable:
"I've been struggling lately."
"I could use some support."
"I'm not actually fine."
Notice what happens. If they respond well, your nervous system gets new data: "Vulnerability can be safe with the right people." If they don't respond well, you get important information about whether this relationship is actually safe. Adjust accordingly.
In the Soft Hearts Society™, we practice this together in our weekly live calls. You're surrounded by women who understand what it's like to be hard, who won't judge you for being guarded, who create space for you to practice softness at your own pace.
This is community as medicine—learning to be vulnerable in the presence of women who truly see you.
7. Trauma-Informed Yoga and Embodiment Practices
Your hardness lives in your body, so softening has to be physical too.
Trauma-informed practices I use:
Gentle yoga flows focused on hip opening and heart opening (where we store trauma and protection)
Breathwork for nervous system regulation
Shaking practices to literally shake stored tension out of the body
Self-massage, particularly of hands, feet, neck, and jaw
In the Soft Hearts Society, I offer monthly yoga flows designed specifically for women learning to soften. These aren't intense, athletic practices—they're gentle, slow, trauma-informed movements that help your body remember it's safe to release.
Practice to try: Set a timer for 5 minutes. Put on gentle music. Shake your entire body—arms, legs, hips, shoulders. Let yourself look silly. Let the tension vibrate out. Then lie down and notice how your body feels.
8. Grieve Your Survival
You survived by being hard because you had to. That's worthy of acknowledgment. But it's also worthy of grief.
Grieve:
The child who had to learn hardness so young
The years you couldn't rest, or receive, or be vulnerable.
What it cost you to survive
The relationships that suffered because you couldn't soften
The parts of yourself you had to abandon
Set aside intentional time to feel this—light a candle, put your hand on your heart, let yourself cry. Grief is how we metabolize what happened so we can move forward differently. You can honor your survival while also grieving what you had to become to get through it.
In Module 2 (Releasing Family Guilt and Shame) and Module 7 (Forgiving and Releasing Ancestors' Burdens), we hold sacred space for this grief. We don't rush past it. We don't "positive vibe" our way through it. We let it be what it is—medicine.
9. A Daily Receiving Practice
Learning to receive has been one of the most healing and transformative lessons of my journey.
For years, I could only give. Receiving felt dangerous, like owing, like vulnerability. But softness requires receiving—receiving support, receiving love, receiving rest, receiving help.
Daily receiving practice:
Every morning, carve out 5 minutes. Sit cross-legged or lie on your back in a relaxed position. Visualize support, love, and safety flowing toward you. With a hand on your heart, repeat the mantra:
"It is safe to receive. I deserve to receive. I am worthy of care."
When you do it, elongate your exhales more than your inhales. This signals safety to your nervous system.
It may sound simple, but this somatic practice goes a long way.
Inside the Soft Hearts Society™, we practice receiving together—receiving from each other, from the community, from our ancestors, from ourselves. Because you don't have to earn softness. You don't have to prove you're worthy of rest. You already are.
Ways to Continue This Work with Me
If these words resonated with you—if you found yourself nodding, crying, or feeling that deep recognition of "this is my story too"—I want you to know you don't have to walk this healing path alone.
The Soft Hearts Society™
A sacred membership community where women gather to do this work together. We hold space for the messy, beautiful process of coming home to ourselves.
Inside, you receive:
Weekly livestreams with me and my daughter Rose—teaching, transmission, and space for your questions
Monthly guided practices—meditations, Reiki transmissions, sound healing, drumming, light language, past life regression
Complete 10-month Ancestral Healing curriculum delivered slowly, so you can actually integrate.
Embodiment practices—trauma-informed yoga, breathwork, ritual work
Private community where you can connect with women who truly understand
Herbal wisdom teachings for nervous system support
Journal prompts, affirmations, and resources for your healing journey
Investment:
Monthly: $375
3-Month: $1,025
Yearly: $4,050
This isn't another place where you have to perform or pretend you're healed. This is where you get to be real, be seen, and remember yourself in the company of women who understand.
Free Resources to Begin
→ Join me on Insight Timer for free live women's circles every Sunday at 10 am CST and access my library of guided meditations
→ Subscribe to my YouTube channel for teachings on ancestral healing, soft living practices, and mother-daughter healing
→ Follow on Pinterest for daily soft living inspiration and healing practices
Remember: Your hardness protected you. But your softness will set you free.
You're not broken. You're not too damaged. You're not beyond healing.
You're a woman who survived by being hard, and now you're learning to thrive by being soft.
Welcome home. 🕊️
