8 Soft Practices for Releasing the "Have It All" Myth
The Lie of "Having It All": Why Balance Is a Myth That's Keeping You Exhausted
They sold us a story. They told us we could have it all—the career, the family, the perfect body, the clean house, the social life, the hobbies, the side hustle, the spiritual practice. They told us that if we just tried hard enough, organized better, woke up earlier, and optimized our routines, we could do it all and do it well.
And we believed them. So we tried. We hustled. We sacrificed sleep, rest, joy, and our own well-being in pursuit of the impossible ideal of the woman who has it all together.
I chased it, too. I worked four jobs at once. I took care of my daughter, my mother, my sister, and her children. I tried to be everything to everyone. I pushed through exhaustion, ignored my body's signals, and kept telling myself that if I just worked a little harder, organized a little better, I could make it all work.
And then my body said no. Not through a conscious choice, but through complete physical collapse. Bedridden for months. Too sick to care for myself. Everything I'd built through sheer force of will was crumbling around me.
That's when I learned the truth: you can't have it all. Not because you're not trying hard enough, but because "having it all" is a lie designed to keep women exhausted, guilty, and endlessly striving.
The whole concept of "work-life balance" is a trap. It assumes that if we just find the right formula, the right schedule, the right boundaries, we can perfectly balance all our responsibilities and never have to choose. But life doesn't work that way. Every choice you make is a choice away from something else. Every yes to one thing is a no to another.
The women who seem to have it all? They're either lying, deeply exhausted, or they have resources you don't see—money to outsource labor, family support, partners who actually co-parent, fewer obligations than they let on. What they're presenting is a performance, not a reality. And when we compare our messy, exhausted reality to their curated presentation, we feel like failures.
Here's what nobody tells you: you can have a rich, full, meaningful life without having it all. In fact, you can only have a rich, full, meaningful life if you stop trying to have it all.
Because "having it all" means you're doing everything at 60%, which means you're constantly feeling like you're failing at everything. You're at work thinking about your kids. You're with your kids, thinking about work. You're with your partner, but mentally running through your to-do list. You're never fully present anywhere because you're always trying to be everywhere.
That's not living. That's survival. That's fragmentation. That's exhaustion disguised as ambition.
I had to learn this the hard way. In my attempt to be everything to everyone, I was nothing to myself. I was disembodied, disconnected, running on adrenaline and guilt. And worse, I was teaching my daughter Rose that this is what women do—we sacrifice ourselves, we ignore our needs, we martyr ourselves for everyone else's comfort.
Until I collapsed, and we both had to confront the cost of trying to have it all.
Here's what I learned in my recovery: you don't have to have it all. You just have to have what actually matters to you. And that requires making hard choices about what matters most and releasing the rest without guilt.
For me, what mattered most was healing my relationship with Rose, healing my own body and nervous system, and creating work that was aligned with my values rather than just generating income. Everything else? I had to let it go. The expectation that I'd financially support everyone in my family. The belief that I had to work multiple jobs to prove my worth. The performance of having it all together when I was falling apart.
Letting go felt like failure at first. It felt selfish. It felt like I was disappointing everyone. But you know what it actually was? It was the beginning of my life.
The myth of balance keeps us stuck because it tells us the problem is us—we're not organized enough, disciplined enough, strong enough. But the problem isn't us. The problem is a culture that expects women to work like they don't have families and parents, like they don't have jobs, all while maintaining perfect homes, perfect bodies, perfect social lives, and perfect mental health.
That's not a standard anyone can meet. It's designed to be impossible. It's designed to keep women exhausted, guilty, and endlessly consuming products and services that promise to help us finally achieve balance.
But what if the answer isn't a better balance? What if the answer is choosing less?
What if instead of trying to do everything, you chose the few things that truly matter and released everything else? What if you permitted yourself to be fully present in one area of your life at a time instead of constantly splitting your attention? What if you stopped measuring your worth by your productivity and started measuring it by your peace?
This is what soft living offers. Not balance, but intentionality. Not having it all, but having what matters. Not optimization, but presence.
My Soft Living Codes for Releasing "Having It All"
When I finally let go of the myth of having it all, I had to redefine what success actually meant to me. Not what my culture told me. Not what Instagram showed me. Not what my family expected of me.
My Soft Living Codes became: Presence Over Productivity, Peace Over Perfection, Intentionality Over Exhaustion, Boundaries as Self-Love, and Rest as My Birthright.
These codes serve as my compass when I start slipping back into the "have it all" trap. They remind me that my output doesn't measure my worth. That I don't have to earn rest. That choosing less is choosing myself.
These principles are what I teach in The Soft Hearts Society™, where we're dismantling the lie that you have to earn rest through productivity and releasing the guilt that comes with choosing yourself.
"You don't have to do it all to be worthy. You just have to be you—fully, presently, authentically you."
8 Soft Practices for Releasing the "Have It All" Myth
1. Identify Your Season
Life moves in seasons. You cannot be in all seasons at once.
Right now, what season are you in? The season of young children? Of caring for aging parents? Of building a career? Of recovery from burnout? Of deep healing? Name your season honestly.
Then ask:
What does this season require from me?
What can wait for another season?
What am I forcing that doesn't belong in this season?
Give yourself permission to prioritize what this actual season needs, not what you wish your season was.
In the Soft Hearts Society™, our Module 10 (Setting Intentions for Future Generations) helps you identify your current season and set intentions that honor where you actually are, not where you think you "should" be. We work with ancestral wisdom to understand that life has always moved in seasons—your grandmothers knew this instinctively before hustle culture told us we could do it all, all the time.
Journal prompts:
What season am I truly in right now?
What does this season ask of me?
What can I release until the next season arrives?
2. The "Three Things" Rule
You can do three things well at any given time. Not thirty. Three.
Look at everything on your plate—career, parenting, partnership, friendships, health, creative pursuits, community involvement, family obligations, side projects. Circle the three that matter most right now.
Everything else? It either needs to be delegated, postponed, or released entirely.
This isn't about abandoning responsibilities—it's about being realistic about your actual capacity.
When I was recovering from burnout, my three things were:
Healing my body
Healing my relationship with Rose
Creating aligned work (what became the Soft Hearts Society™)
Everything else—financial support for my family, volunteer commitments, trying to maintain a social life—had to go. And releasing those things is what gave me the space to actually heal.
Inside our weekly livestreams, we practice the Three Things Rule together, helping each other identify what actually matters versus what we've been conditioned to believe we "should" be doing. The community holds you accountable to your three things when guilt tries to pull you back into doing it all.
Practice this week: Write down everything on your plate. Circle your three things. For everything else, ask: "Can this be delegated, postponed, or released entirely?"
3. Calculate the True Cost
For each major commitment in your life, calculate what it actually costs you—not just time, but energy, mental load, emotional capacity, and what you're sacrificing to maintain it.
Write it out:
"My job costs me 50 hours a week, constant stress, missing my kids' bedtimes, and chronic exhaustion."
"Hosting family holidays costs me three weeks of planning, $500, and complete depletion afterward."
"Volunteering at school costs me 10 hours a month and the guilt that I'm not doing enough."
Look at these costs honestly. Are they worth it? Are they aligned with what you actually value?
You might find that what you thought was non-negotiable is actually just expected—and expectations can be renegotiated.
In Module 1 (Understanding Ancestral Patterns), we explore how many of our commitments aren't actually ours—they're inherited obligations, family expectations, or patterns passed down from women who also sacrificed themselves to "have it all." Understanding where these patterns come from helps you release them with less guilt.
This week's practice: Choose one major commitment. Write down its true cost—time, energy, money, what you're sacrificing. Then ask: "Is this worth it?"
4. Practice Disappointing People
The fear of disappointing others is what keeps most women trapped in "having it all."
This week, practice disappointing someone on purpose:
Say no to something you normally would have said yes to
Cancel plans if you're tired
Don't make the extra effort
Let someone be disappointed in you
Notice that you survive it. Notice that most people move on much faster than you expected. Notice that their disappointment is not your emergency.
The more you practice this, the easier it becomes to prioritize your actual capacity over everyone else's expectations.
This is boundary work—and it's one of the core teachings in the Soft Hearts Society. In our Soft Life Boundary Setting course (delivered in Month 6), we learn that boundaries aren't selfish. They're sacred. They're how you protect your energy so you can actually show up for what matters.
We practice setting boundaries together through journal prompts, live role-playing during calls, and boundary scripts you can adapt for your life. Because knowing you need boundaries is one thing—having the tools and support to actually set them is another.
Boundary practice: This week, say no to one thing without explaining, justifying, or apologizing. Just: "I can't make that work." Then sit with the discomfort of disappointing someone.
5. Redefine Success
Write down what "success" currently means to you—be honest about what you're actually measuring yourself against.
Then rewrite it based on what you actually value.
Maybe success isn't the promotion and the perfectly kept house and the handmade birthday parties and the regular girls' nights.
Maybe success is:
"I'm present with my kids."
"I'm healing."
"I'm not exhausted all the time."
"I can rest without guilt."
"I'm choosing myself."
Your definition of success should be achievable within your actual capacity, not based on what Instagram tells you a successful woman looks like.
In the Soft Hearts Society™, we work with Soft Living Codes—your personal definition of what soft living means to you. These codes become your compass when the world tries to pull you back into hustle, productivity, and "having it all."
During our monthly ritual work, we create ceremonies to release old definitions of success and anchor in our new ones. We use drumming, rattling, and sound healing to embody these new codes at a somatic level—because cognitive understanding isn't enough when you're undoing decades of conditioning.
Journal prompt: Complete these sentences:
Success used to mean: ___________
Success now means: ___________
I am successful when: ___________
6. The "Good Enough" Practice
Perfectionism is the enemy of presence.
This week, practice "good enough" in three areas:
Don't make the elaborate meal—make the simple one.
Don't clean the whole house—just clear the surfaces.
Don't write the perfect email—write the functional one.
Notice how much energy you save. Notice that nothing catastrophic happens. Notice that most people don't even register the difference between your "perfect" and your "good enough."
Practice lowering your standards until they're sustainable.
Perfectionism is often an inherited pattern. In Module 2 (Releasing Family Guilt and Shame), we explore how perfectionism is often learned from mothers and grandmothers who believed they had to be perfect to be worthy, safe, and loved.
Through guided meditations and Reiki transmissions, we release the ancestral belief that "good enough" equals failure. We practice embodying the truth that good enough is actually perfect—because it's sustainable.
This week: Choose three things to do at "good enough" instead of perfect. Notice what you do with the energy you save.
7. Eliminate One Major Commitment
Look at your commitments and choose one major thing to release completely. Not reduce, not optimize—eliminate.
Maybe you:
Resign from the committee.
Stop hosting holiday gatherings.
Quit the side hustle that's draining you.
Stop volunteering at school.
End a one-sided friendship.
Choose one thing and give yourself permission to let it go entirely.
Yes, someone might be disappointed. Yes, it might feel uncomfortable. But you will reclaim hours of your week and massive amounts of mental energy. That's worth the discomfort.
This is where community becomes medicine. When you're releasing a major commitment, the guilt and fear can be overwhelming. In the Soft Hearts Society, we practice this together. We witness each other's releases. We hold space for the grief and the liberation that come with letting go.
During our weekly live calls, women share what they're releasing and receive support, not judgment. We celebrate the courage it takes to disappoint people. We honor the choice to prioritize your actual life over everyone else's expectations.
Practice: Identify one major commitment you're ready to let go of. Write it down. Set a date by which you'll communicate your release. Ask for support (from us, from friends, from your partner).
8. Schedule "Nothing Time."
Block out time on your calendar for absolutely nothing.
Not self-care appointments, productive rest, or catching up on tasks. Actual nothing—time where you're allowed to exist without an agenda.
Protect this time as fiercely as you would a work meeting.
When you're in "nothing time," practice just being:
Sit
Stare
Rest
Do nothing useful
This trains your nervous system to believe that your worth isn't tied to your productivity.
This is nervous system work. For women who've spent years in survival mode, "doing nothing" can actually feel terrifying. Your body is wired to stay busy because busyness meant safety, productivity meant worthiness.
In the Soft Hearts Society, we practice "nothing time" through:
Restorative yoga practices where the only goal is to rest
Guided meditations that teach your body it's safe to do nothing.
Sound healing and Reiki that regulate your nervous system, so rest feels accessible.
In Module 8 (Reclaiming Power through Guided Drum Journey), we use the drum journey to access parts of yourself that remember how to rest, be, and exist without doing. This somatic practice bypasses the mind (which will tell you you're being lazy) and speaks directly to your body.
This week: Schedule 30 minutes of "nothing time." Set a timer. Do absolutely nothing. Notice the discomfort. Breathe through it. Practice being without doing.
Ways to Continue This Work with Me
If these words resonated with you—if you found yourself nodding, crying, or feeling that deep recognition of "this is my story too"—I want you to know you don't have to walk this healing path alone.
The Soft Hearts Society™
A sacred membership community where women gather to release the "have it all" myth and remember what it means to live softly, intentionally, and whole.
Inside, you receive:
Weekly livestreams with me and my daughter Rose—teaching, support, and space to process the guilt of choosing less
10-month Ancestral Healing curriculum that helps you understand where your "have it all" programming came from and how to release it
Boundary-setting tools and scripts so you can actually say no without guilt
Monthly Reiki transmissions and sound healing to regulate your nervous system, so rest feels safe
Embodiment practices—yoga, breathwork, drumming—that retrain your body to believe you're worthy without productivity
Ritual work for releasing perfectionism, people-pleasing, and the performance of "having it all together."
A community of women who understand what it's like to choose yourself and deal with the guilt that follows
Investment:
Monthly: $375
3-Month: $1,025
Yearly: $4,050
This isn't another productivity program disguised as self-care. This is where you learn to do less and be whole.
Free Resources to Begin
→ Join me on Insight Timer for free live women's circles every Sunday at 10 am CST
→ Subscribe to my YouTube channel for teachings on releasing perfectionism and choosing soft living
→ Follow on Pinterest for daily reminders that you don't have to do it all
Remember: You don't have to have it all. You don't have to be everything to everyone. You don't have to prove your worth through endless output.
You just have to be you. Fully, presently, authentically you. In whatever limited, imperfect, beautifully human capacity you have available in this season of your life.
That's enough. You are enough.
Welcome to soft living. 🕊️
