8 Soft Practices for Releasing Invisible Labor
The Weight of Invisible Labor: Why Women's Work Is Never Done
I used to think I was tired because I wasn't trying hard enough. Because I wasn't organized enough. Because I needed better time management, more discipline, or less sleep. I worked four jobs at once and still felt like I was failing. I took care of my mother, my sister, her children, and my own daughter. I managed everyone's needs, everyone's schedules, and everyone's emotions. And still, at the end of every day, I felt like I hadn't done enough.
It took collapsing completely—being bedridden for months—to realize the truth: I wasn't failing. The system was designed to fail me.
Women carry invisible labor. It's the mental load of remembering everyone's appointments, the emotional labor of managing everyone's feelings, the care work that never appears on a resume or gets valued in our economy. It's the birthday cards you remember to send, the meals you plan, the peace you keep, the schedules you coordinate, the needs you anticipate before anyone even asks.
And here's what makes it invisible: nobody sees it until you stop doing it.
When I was working multiple jobs and taking care of everyone, nobody noticed the hundreds of tiny tasks I was managing. But the moment I couldn't do it anymore? Suddenly, it became visible. Suddenly, people realized how much I'd been holding. Suddenly, they understood I'd been carrying the weight of entire households on my back while they went about their lives unburdened.
This is the reality for so many women, especially women who've been taught that their value lies in their usefulness. We become the infrastructure that everyone else's life is built on. And when we burn out, we're told we should have asked for help. As if the people benefiting from our labor couldn't see what we were doing. As if asking for help wasn't another task we had to manage.
Here's what I know now: invisible labor becomes visible the moment you stop doing it for free.
I had to look at my life honestly. I was financially supporting my mother, who was narcissistic and saw me as a meal ticket rather than a daughter. I helped my sister and her children year after year, with little reciprocity. I was working myself to the point of depletion while everyone around me benefited from my sacrifice.
The question I had to ask myself—the question I want you to ask yourself—is this: If I stopped doing all of this unpaid, unacknowledged labor, what would actually fall apart? And whose responsibility is it really?
Because here's the uncomfortable truth: some things need to fall apart. Some people need to figure out their own lives. Some systems need to collapse so you can finally rest.
When you're the one holding everything together, you don't get to fall apart. You don't get to be tired. You don't get to have needs. Everyone else gets to be fully human while you become a function, a service, a resource to be used.
This is what soft living disrupts. When you choose softness, when you choose rest, when you stop performing all that invisible labor, you force the people around you to see what you were actually doing. You make visible what they pretended not to notice.
And some people won't like it. They'll call you lazy. They'll say you've changed. They'll accuse you of being selfish. Because your labor benefited them, now they have to do it themselves, pay someone else to do it, or—revolutionary thought—just let it not get done.
Let me tell you what happened when I stopped: chaos at first. People were upset. People felt abandoned. People acted like I was failing them by no longer sacrificing myself. But then something beautiful happened. The people who actually loved me adjusted. They learned to carry their own weight. They started asking me how I was instead of what I could do for them. The relationships that were real survived. The relationships that were transactional ended.
And I learned something crucial: I am not responsible for holding together what was never mine to carry.
You are not the glue that holds everyone else's life together. You are not responsible for managing everyone's emotions, anticipating everyone's needs, or fixing everyone's problems. You are not required to deplete yourself so others can be comfortable.
Your labor has value. Your time has value. Your energy has value. And just because the world doesn't pay you for emotional labor and care work doesn't mean it's not real work. It is. It's exhausting work. It's constant work. And you have every right to stop doing it for people who don't even see it, let alone appreciate it.
My Soft Living Codes for Valuing My Labor
When I finally started releasing invisible labor, I had to create new codes to live by—because everything I'd been taught told me that my worth was in what I could do for others.
My Soft Living Codes became: My Rest Is Non-Negotiable, My Labor Has Value, Boundaries Protect My Energy, I Am Not Responsible for Others' Comfort, and My Needs Matter As Much As Anyone Else's.
These codes serve as my anchor when guilt tries to pull me back into over-functioning, when someone expects me to manage their life. When I feel the urge to fix, coordinate, or anticipate needs that aren't mine to manage.
These principles guide our work at The Soft Hearts Society™. We name the invisible labor. We count the cost of what we've been giving away freely. We learn to see our own value even when the world tells us care work doesn't count.
"You are not the infrastructure of everyone else's life. You are a whole person with needs, limits, and the right to rest."
8 Soft Practices for Releasing Invisible Labor
1. Name What You're Actually Doing
For one week, write down every single task you do—not just the visible ones like work and cooking, but the invisible ones too.
Track:
Every text you send to coordinate schedules
Every emotional conversation you manage
Every reminder you give
Every problem you solve for someone else
Every worry you carry about someone else's life
Every need you anticipate before anyone asks.
Be exhaustive. At the end of the week, look at your list. This is your invisible labor. This is what nobody sees until you stop doing it.
In the Soft Hearts Society™, we do this work together in Module 1 (Understanding Ancestral Patterns). We explore how invisible labor is often an inherited pattern—your mother did it, her mother did it, and now you're doing it. Understanding where these patterns come from helps you release them without guilt.
During our weekly live calls, women share their invisible labor lists, and the room erupts with recognition. "I thought I was the only one doing this." "I didn't even realize that was labor." This shared witnessing makes visible what's been invisible.
Journal prompts:
What invisible labor am I carrying?
How much of my week is spent managing other people's lives?
What would happen if I stopped doing these things?
2. Calculate the Cost
Go through your list and estimate how much time each task took and how much energy it required (low, medium, or high). Add it up.
Ask yourself:
How many hours per week are you spending on invisible labor?
How much of your energy is going to tasks that benefit others but deplete you?
If I were paying someone to do this labor, what would it cost?
This helps you see the actual value of what you've been giving away for free.
When I did this exercise, I realized I was spending 30+ hours per week on invisible labor—coordinating my family's needs, managing my mother's life, solving my sister's problems, and anticipating everyone's emotional needs. That's more than a full-time job I wasn't getting paid for, while also working four actual jobs.
In our Soft Life Boundary Setting course (delivered in Month 6 of the curriculum), we work with the true cost of our labor. We use journal prompts and ritual work to release the belief that our time and energy don't matter. We practice valuing ourselves even when the world doesn't value care work.
This week's practice: Calculate the hourly cost of your invisible labor. If you're spending 20 hours a week managing everyone else's life at $25/hour, that's $500 a week you're giving away for free. How does that feel in your body?
3. Identify What You Can Stop
Look at your list and mark three categories:
Tasks only you can do
Tasks others could do for themselves
Tasks that don't actually need to be done
Focus on categories 2 and 3. Choose three tasks you're going to stop doing this month. Not delegate—stop. Let them not get done. See what happens.
Most of the time, either someone else steps up or everyone realizes it wasn't necessary after all.
This is where the real work begins. Because stopping invisible labor brings up massive guilt. Your nervous system has been wired to believe that your worth is in your usefulness. Stopping feels like abandonment. Stopping feels selfish.
In the Soft Hearts Society™, we work with this guilt through:
Reiki transmissions that help release the energetic belief that you're responsible for everyone
Guided meditations that rewire your nervous system to believe you're worthy without doing
Community support so you're not alone when guilt tries to pull you back
During Module 2 (Releasing Family Guilt and Shame), we specifically address the guilt that comes with withdrawing your labor. We honor that this guilt is real—and we practice moving through it anyway.
Practice: Choose three tasks to stop this month. Write them down. Tell someone you trust so they can hold you accountable when guilt tries to make you pick them back up.
4. Practice the Phrase: "That's Not Mine to Manage."
When someone expects you to manage something that's actually their responsibility—their schedule, their emotions, their conflict with someone else, their forgotten task—practice saying (out loud or just to yourself):
"That's not mine to manage."
Then resist the urge to fix it. Let them figure it out. Your job is not to be the manager of everyone else's life.
This phrase became my lifeline. When my sister would call with a crisis she created, I'd say (to myself): "That's not mine to manage." When my mother expected me to solve her financial problems: "That's not mine to manage." When someone forgot something and expected me to remember it for them: "That's not mine to manage."
Inside our boundary-setting work, we practice this phrase together. We role-play scenarios. We hold space for the discomfort of not fixing, not solving, not managing. Because this isn't just cognitive work—it's somatic. Your body has been trained to jump in and fix. We retrain it together.
This week: Notice when someone hands you their responsibility. Practice saying (even just internally): "That's not mine to manage." Then don't manage it.
5. Create a "Not My Job" Boundary
Make a clear list of things that are no longer your job:
Remembering everyone's appointments
Managing everyone's emotions
Being the family mediator
Coordinating everyone's schedules
Solving problems you didn't create
Anticipating everyone's needs
Keeping the peace at your own expense
Write it down. Put it somewhere you can see it.
When someone tries to hand you one of these tasks, refer to your list and redirect them: "I'm not managing that anymore. You'll need to handle it yourself."
This boundary work is sacred. In Module 8 (Reclaiming Power through Guided Drum Journey), we use the shamanic drum journey to connect with our inner power and reclaim our sovereignty. We practice saying no without guilt. We embody the truth that we are not responsible for managing everyone else's life.
Through sound healing, drumming, and light language, we release the energetic cords that bind us to other people's responsibilities. This isn't just setting boundaries with your words—it's setting them at a cellular level.
Create your "Not My Job" list: Write down 5-10 things that are no longer your job. Post it on your mirror. When guilt arises, read it out loud.
6. Stop Anticipating Needs
One of the most exhausting parts of invisible labor is constantly anticipating what everyone else needs before they even ask.
Practice letting people ask. Let them figure out they're hungry and need to make themselves food. Let them realize they have an appointment and need to get themselves there. Let them notice something needs to be done and do it themselves.
You are not responsible for preventing every discomfort in everyone else's life.
This was one of the hardest patterns for me to break. I had been trained from childhood to anticipate my mother's needs, my abuser's moods, everyone's comfort. Anticipating needs meant staying safe. Not anticipating meant punishment.
Unlearning this required deep nervous system work. In our trauma-informed yoga and breathwork practices, we work with the body's hypervigilance. We practice being present instead of scanning for danger. We learn that we don't have to manage everyone's comfort to be safe.
This month: Notice when you're about to anticipate someone's need and solve it before they ask. Pause. Let them figure it out. Breathe through the discomfort.
7. Track What Happens When You Stop
As you withdraw your invisible labor, pay attention to what actually happens.
Ask yourself:
Does the thing truly fall apart, or does someone else handle it?
Do people get upset, and if so, is it because something genuinely important didn't happen, or because they're uncomfortable doing it themselves?
What relationships survive your boundaries, and which ones don't?
Journal about this. Most of the time, you'll discover that what you thought was essential was actually just convenient for everyone else.
In the Soft Hearts Society™, we track this together through journal prompts and weekly check-ins. We witness each other's courage to stop. We hold space for the grief when relationships end because they were built on your labor, not actual love.
During Module 7 (Forgiving and Releasing Ancestors' Burdens), we work with the grief of realizing that some relationships were transactional. We practice forgiveness—not of the people who used us, but of ourselves for allowing it. We release the burden of believing we had to earn love through service.
Journal prompt: What happened when I stopped doing _______? Who stepped up? Who got upset? What does this tell me about the relationship?
8. Redirect Your Energy Toward Yourself
Take all the time and energy you were spending on invisible labor for others and redirect it toward yourself.
Use:
That hour you spent managing someone else's problem → Rest
That mental energy you spent coordinating everyone's schedule → Plan something that nourishes you.
That emotional labor you spent managing someone's feelings → Process your own emotions.
This is how you reclaim your life—by pouring into yourself what you've been pouring into everyone else.
This is the essence of soft living: redirecting your precious energy back toward yourself. Not selfishly. Not guiltily. But as an act of reclamation.
In the Soft Hearts Society, we practice this redirection through:
Monthly guided meditations specifically for self-nourishment
Reiki self-healing practices that teach you to channel healing energy toward yourself
Ritual work where we ceremonially release the obligation to serve everyone else and commit to serving ourselves
Herbal wisdom teachings on creating nervous system-supportive teas and self-care practices
During Module 9 (Integrating Lessons and Blessings from Ancestry), we work with ancestral blessings—the positive traits passed down through your lineage. We learn that self-care isn't selfish. It's how you honor the resilience your ancestors wished they'd had permission to embody.
This week: Identify one hour you would normally spend on someone else's needs. Redirect it toward yourself. Rest, create, move your body, do nothing—whatever you need.
Ways to Continue This Work with Me
If these words resonated with you—if you found yourself nodding, crying, or feeling that deep recognition of "this is my story too"—I want you to know you don't have to walk this healing path alone.
The Soft Hearts Society™
A sacred membership community where women gather to release invisible labor, value their energy, and remember that their worth isn't in their usefulness.
Inside, you receive:
Weekly livestreams with me and my daughter Rose—teaching, transmission, and space to process the guilt of saying no
10-month Ancestral Healing curriculum that helps you understand where your over-functioning patterns came from
Boundary-setting tools, scripts, and practices so you can actually stop managing everyone's life
Monthly Reiki transmissions and sound healing to release the energetic cords binding you to others' responsibilities
Trauma-informed yoga and breathwork to work with the hypervigilance that keeps you anticipating everyone's needs
Ritual work for releasing the belief that your worth is in your labor
A community of women who understand the guilt, the grief, and the liberation of withdrawing invisible labor
Investment:
Monthly: $375
3-Month: $1,025
Yearly: $4,050
This isn't another place where you learn to "manage your time better" or "optimize your productivity." This is where you learn that you are not the infrastructure of everyone else's life.
Free Resources to Begin
→ Join me on Insight Timer for free live women's circles every Sunday at 10 am CST
→ Subscribe to my YouTube channel for teachings on releasing invisible labor and valuing your energy
→ Follow on Pinterest for daily reminders that your labor matters
Remember: You are not the glue that holds everyone else's life together. You are not responsible for managing everyone's emotions, anticipating everyone's needs, or fixing everyone's problems.
Your labor has value. Your time has value. Your energy has value.
You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to withdraw your labor. You are allowed to let things fall apart that were never yours to hold.
This is your permission slip. Take it.
