Mother-Daughter Design: How Human Design Healed Our Relationship

For years, I thought the distance between my daughter Rose and me was my fault.

I thought I had failed her. That I hadn't been present enough. That I had chosen work over her too many times. That the strain in our relationship was something I had broken and didn't know how to fix.

And I wasn't wrong about all of that. I had been absent. I had prioritized survival over presence. I had pushed her away while I worked myself to the bone trying to provide for everyone else.

But what I didn't understand—what I couldn't have known until we discovered Human Design—was that part of our struggle wasn't just about my choices.

It was about our designs.

Rose and I are both Projectors. But we're different kinds of Projectors, with different profiles, different authorities, and different ways of moving through the world.

And once we understood that—once we learned how we were each designed and how our energies interacted—everything shifted.

We didn't just heal our relationship. We learned how to see each other. Really see each other. For the first time.

Two Projectors, Two Different Designs

I'm a 1/3 Splenic Projector.

Rose is a 4/1 Self-Projected Projector.

On the surface, we're both Projectors—which means we're both designed to guide, to see deeply, to wait for invitations, and to rest more than most people understand.

But our profiles and authorities make us very different.

My Design: 1/3 Splenic Projector

My profile is 1/3: The Investigator/Martyr.

The 1 energy means I need a solid foundation. I need to research, understand, and feel secure in my knowledge before I can move forward. I dive deep into topics. I need to know things fully before I can teach them or share them.

The 3 energy means I learn through trial and error. I experiment. I make "mistakes." I discover what works by finding out what doesn't. My life has been full of pivots, collapses, and rebuilds—and that's how I learn.

My authority is Splenic—which means I make decisions in the moment, based on intuitive hits.

My body gives me instant yes/no signals. It's a whisper, not a shout. And if I don't listen in the moment, the opportunity passes.

For years, I ignored those whispers. I overrode my intuition with obligation, with guilt, with what I thought I should do. And it led to burnout, toxic relationships, and a complete collapse.

Learning to trust my Splenic authority—to listen to those quiet inner nudges—changed my life.

Rose's Design: 4/1 Self-Projected Projector

Rose's profile is 4/1: The Opportunist/Investigator.

The 4 energy means she's deeply relational. She thrives in community. She's here to build strong, authentic connections and to share opportunities with the people in her network. She's loyal. She values her circle. And she needs her people to feel safe and seen.

The 1 energy (like mine) means she also needs a solid foundation. She needs to deeply understand things before she feels confident sharing them. She loves learning, mastering, and then teaching what she knows.

Rose's authority is Self-Projected—which means she makes decisions by speaking out loud and listening to her own voice.

She doesn't have access to in-the-moment intuition like I do. She needs to talk things through. She needs to hear herself speak to know what's true for her.

For years, I didn't understand this. I would ask her what she wanted, and she wouldn't know. I thought she was indecisive or unsure. But she wasn't—she just needed space to process out loud before she could access her truth.

Once I understood that, I stopped pushing her for immediate answers. I started holding space for her to talk, to explore, to voice her thoughts until clarity emerged.

And that changed everything between us.

Where We Clashed (Before We Understood)

Before we knew our designs, Rose and I struggled in ways I didn't fully understand.

I was always moving. Working. Doing. Surviving. I thought that's what being a good mother meant—providing, protecting, making sure we were okay financially.

But I was operating out of alignment. I was forcing. I was ignoring my Splenic authority. I was working like a Generator when I'm a Projector. And I was collapsing over and over again because my body couldn't sustain it.

Rose needed presence, not productivity. She needed me to be there, not just to provide. She needed connection, conversation, and emotional availability.

But I didn't have that to give. I was too exhausted. Too overwhelmed. Too busy surviving.

She felt unseen. I felt like I was failing. And the distance between us grew.

What I didn't understand:

• Rose's 4 energy needs deep connection and community. When I was absent—even though I was working forher—she felt abandoned. Her design requires close, authentic relationships. And I wasn't available for that.

• Rose's Self-Projected authority needs to be heard. She needed space to talk, to process, to be listened to. But I was too busy, too tired, too distracted. I didn't realize that listening to her speak was how she accessed her own clarity.

• We're both Projectors, which means we both need rest and recognition. But I didn't know that. I was running myself into the ground, and I was unconsciously expecting her to be okay with my absence because I thought I was doing the right thing by working so hard.

We were both operating out of alignment. And it was breaking both of us.

The Turning Point: When I Collapsed

When I became bedridden from burnout, everything stopped.

I couldn't work. I couldn't provide. I couldn't do any of the things I thought made me a good mother.

And Rose became my caretaker.

She was a teenager, and she was taking care of me. Helping me eat. Sitting with me. Holding space for me in ways I had never held space for her.

It was humbling. It was painful. It was one of the lowest points of my life.

But it was also the beginning of our healing.

Because for the first time, I had to stop. I had to be still. I had to let her see me—really see me—in my brokenness.

And in that stillness, we started talking.

Not surface talk. Real talk.

We talked about my childhood abuse. Her childhood with me. The ways I had hurt her without meaning to. The ways she had needed me, and I wasn't there.

We cried. We apologized. We saw each other.

And somewhere in that process, we discovered Human Design.

How Human Design Changed Everything

Learning our designs gave us a language for what we had been experiencing.

It helped us understand why we had clashed. Why I had burned out. Why Rose had felt so unseen.

For me, understanding I'm a Projector explained everything:

• Why I couldn't sustain working four jobs

• Why I kept collapsing no matter how hard I tried

• Why I felt bitter and resentful even though I was "doing everything right"

• Why rest wasn't a luxury—it was how I'm designed to function

It gave me permission to stop. To honor my capacity. To build a life that worked with my energy, not against it.

For Rose, understanding her 4/1 Self-Projected Projector design helped her see:

• Why she needs close, authentic community to thrive

• Why she needs to talk things through before she can make decisions

• Why she feels most alive when she's learning deeply and then sharing with her circle

• Why my absence affected her so deeply—her 4 energy needs that connection

  And understanding each other's designs helped us see:

  • We were both exhausted because we were both living out of alignment

  • We weren't broken—we were just trying to operate in ways we weren't designed for

  • Our struggles weren't just about my choices—they were also about not understanding how our energies worked

  • We could heal this. We could rebuild. We could learn to honor each other's design instead of expecting each other to be different.

  How We Work Together Now

  Now that we understand our designs, we co-create Allonia Rose in a completely different way.

  We both honor our Projector energy.

  We don't work 8-10-hour days. We work 3-5 hours of focused, intentional work—and then we rest.

  We don't force. We don't hustle. We wait for invitations. We trust that the right opportunities will come.

  We build our business around our capacity, not around what we think we "should" be able to do.

  I honor Rose's Self-Projected authority.

  When we're making decisions about the business, I don't rush her. I give her space to talk things through. I listen as she processes out loud, and I trust that her clarity will emerge.

  I don't interrupt. I don't try to solve. I just hold space for her to hear herself.

  And when she finds her answer—when I hear that shift in her voice—I know she's aligned.

  Rose honors my Splenic authority.

  She knows that I make decisions quickly, in the moment, based on intuitive hits.

  She doesn't ask me to explain or justify those decisions. She trusts that if something feels like a yes in my body, it's correct—even if I can't articulate why yet.

  And she knows that if I say no to something, it's not personal. It's my body protecting us both.

  We honor each other's profiles.

  I give Rose the deep, authentic connections she needs. I show up for her emotionally. I'm present. I listen. I see her.

  And she gives me space to research, to dive deep, to experiment and pivot when things don't work. She doesn't judge my 3 energy for "failing"—she knows that's how I learn.

  We rest together.

  We prioritize rest. We take naps. We have slow mornings. We say no to opportunities that would deplete us.

  We do inner child work together. We journal. We play. We heal.

  Because we both know now: rest isn't laziness. Rest is how we function. Rest is sacred.

  What Healing Looks Like

  Healing our relationship didn't happen overnight.

  It happened through thousands of small moments:

  • Me apologizing for the ways I wasn't present

  • Rose sharing how my absence affected her

  • Both of us learning to honor each other's design

  • Both of us choosing each other, again and again

  But Human Design gave us a framework. It gave us permission to be ourselves without apologizing. It gave us language for what we were experiencing.

  And it helped us see that we weren't incompatible. We weren't broken. We just needed to understand how we each worked—and honor that.

  Now, our relationship is one of the most sacred parts of my life.

  Rose is my business partner, yes. But she's also my teacher. My mirror. My greatest gift.

  We've healed together. We've grown together. We've built something beautiful together—not in spite of our designs, but because of them.

  For Mothers and Daughters Reading This

  If you're a mother struggling to connect with your daughter, or a daughter feeling unseen by your mother—maybe it's not just about past hurt.

  Maybe it's also about understanding how you're each designed.

  Maybe your daughter needs to talk things through before she can make decisions, and you've been expecting immediate answers.

  Maybe your mother makes quick, intuitive decisions, and you've been wanting her to slow down and explain.

  Maybe you're a Generator trying to parent a Projector, and you don't understand why they need so much rest.

  Maybe you're a Projector who's been feeling guilty for not being able to keep up with your Manifestor child's pace.

  Human Design doesn't solve everything. It doesn't erase the past. It doesn't take away the work you still need to do.

  But it can give you a new lens. A new language. A new understanding.

  It can help you see that you're not incompatible. You're not broken. You're just different.

  And when you honor those differences—when you stop expecting each other to be the same—healing becomes possible.

  An Invitation to Explore Your Design Together

  If this resonates, I invite you to explore Human Design with your daughter (or your mother).

  Get your charts. Learn your types. Understand your profiles and authorities.

  And then talk about it. Share what resonates. Explore where you've clashed and why. See if understanding your designs opens a door you didn't know was there.

  You don't have to know everything. You don't have to become experts.

  You just have to be willing to see each other—really see each other—in a new way.

  For Rose and me, Human Design was medicine.

  It helped us understand that we weren't too different to connect. We were just trying to connect in ways that didn't honor how we're each designed.

  And once we learned how to honor that? Everything changed.

  The Gift of Understanding

  The greatest gift Rose and I have given each other isn't the business we built. It isn't the courses we created. It isn't even the healing work we've done together.

  The greatest gift is seeing each other.

  Understanding her design helped me see that her need for connection wasn't clinginess—it was her 4 energy asking to be met.

  Understanding her Self-Projected authority helped me see that her need to process out loud wasn't indecisiveness—it was how she accesses her truth.

  Understanding her Projector energy helped me see that her need for rest wasn't laziness—it was how she's designed to function.

  And understanding my design helped Rose see:

  That my constant working wasn't because I didn't love her—it was because I didn't know how to stop.

  That my Splenic authority meant I was making the best decisions I could in the moment, even when they didn't make sense to her.

  That my 1/3 profile meant I needed to understand things deeply and learn through trial and error—and that my collapses weren't failures, they were part of my design.

  We stopped expecting each other to be different.

  We started honoring who we each actually are.

  And that? That's where the healing lives.

  To the Mothers and Daughters

  If you're a mother who's been absent—whether by choice or by necessity—it's not too late.

  If you're a daughter who's felt unseen—whether you've said it out loud or held it silently—you're allowed to ask for more.

  If you're both trying to connect but keep missing each other—maybe it's time to learn how you're each designed.

  Understanding your design doesn't erase the past. But it can help you create a different future.

  A future where you honor each other's energy.

  A future where you stop expecting each other to operate the same way.

  A future where you see each other—really see each other—and choose each other anyway.

  Rose and I are proof that this is possible.

  We went from strained and distant to co-creating a business, healing together, and holding sacred space for other mothers and daughters to do the same.

  Not because we're perfect. Not because we got it all right.

  But because we were willing to see each other. To understand each other. To honor each other's design.

  And now, we get to live softly. Together.

  🤍

  Are you a mother and daughter ready to heal and understand each other on a deeper level? Join us in the Soft Hearts Society, where we offer courses, circles, and community specifically for mothers and daughters doing the sacred work of healing together. We also explore Human Design and other tools to help you honor how you're each uniquely designed. Because healing starts with seeing each other—really seeing each other—for who you truly are.