10 Ways to Reparent Your Inner Child (When You Didn't Get What You Needed)
You've heard the term "inner child work" everywhere. It's all over therapy spaces, healing communities, and self-help books.
But what does it actually mean to reparent yourself?
It's not about blaming your parents (though acknowledging what happened is part of the process). It's not about dwelling in the past. And it's definitely not about making excuses for your current behavior.
Reparenting yourself is about becoming the safe, attuned, unconditionally loving parent to yourself that you needed as a child—and giving yourself now what you didn't receive then.
Because here's the truth: When your needs weren't met in childhood, you learned to adapt. You learned to:
Hide your emotions
Make yourself small
Earn love through achievement
Suppress your needs
Be responsible for others' feelings
Never ask for too much
These adaptations helped you survive childhood. But now? They're keeping you stuck in patterns of burnout, people-pleasing, and self-abandonment.
Reparenting is how you break free.
Let me show you how.
What Reparenting Actually Means
Reparenting isn't about dwelling on the past or staying stuck in victimhood. It's about taking radical responsibility for your healing by giving yourself what you needed then—so you can show up differently now.
When you reparent yourself, you're essentially saying:
"I see you, little one. I see how scared you were. I see how much you needed to be loved just for existing. I see how you learned to hide yourself to stay safe. And I'm here now. You don't have to do that anymore. I've got you."
This work is simultaneously the hardest and most transformative thing you'll ever do.
So let's get practical. Here are ten tangible ways to begin reparenting your inner child.
1. Learn to Recognize When Your Inner Child Is Activated
Before you can reparent, you need to recognize when you're operating from your wounded inner child versus your adult self.
Signs your inner child is activated:
You're people-pleasing to avoid conflict
You're apologizing excessively for existing
You're shutting down emotionally
You're seeking validation from others
You're catastrophizing or spiraling
You feel small, powerless, or afraid
You're reacting with disproportionate emotion to a situation
What to do: When you notice these patterns, pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself: "How old do I feel right now?"
Usually, when you're in an inner child wound, you'll feel young—maybe 5, maybe 8, maybe 12. That's your signal that the little one inside needs attention.
Reparenting in action: Place your hand on your heart and say (out loud or silently): "I see you. I'm here. You're safe now. I'm the adult, and I've got this."
This simple acknowledgment can help you shift from reactive child to responsive adult.
2. Give Yourself Permission to Have Needs (And Express Them)
If you grew up in an environment where your needs were dismissed, minimized, or seen as burdensome, you likely learned to suppress them entirely.
Now, as an adult, you might:
Struggle to know what you actually need
Feel guilty for having needs
Minimize your needs by saying "I'm fine"
Wait until you're at breaking point to ask for help
What you needed as a child: A parent who asked, "What do you need?" and then honored that answer. A parent who taught you that your needs matter just as much as everyone else's.
How to reparent yourself now:
Practice need identification: Several times a day, stop and ask yourself: "What do I need right now?" (Food? Water? Rest? Connection? Movement? Alone time?)
Honor those needs: Once you identify them, meet them. Even if it feels uncomfortable. Even if it means disappointing someone else.
Express your needs clearly: Practice saying, "I need [specific thing]" without apology or justification.
Reparenting affirmation: "My needs are not a burden. I am allowed to need things. Meeting my needs is how I honor my humanity."
Related reading: 6 Practices for Reparenting Your Inner Child
3. Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Children who grew up without consistent boundaries or who were punished for having them often become adults who:
Can't say no without feeling guilty
Over-explain their boundaries
Apologize for having limits
Let others cross their boundaries to avoid conflict
What you needed as a child: A parent who modeled healthy boundaries and taught you that your "no" was valid and respected.
How to reparent yourself now:
Practice "no" as a complete sentence: You don't owe anyone an explanation for your boundaries.
Notice the guilt, set the boundary anyway: The guilt is just old programming. It doesn't mean the boundary is wrong.
Start small: Practice with low-stakes situations before the big ones. Say no to a social invitation. Decline to take on extra work.
Remind yourself: Setting boundaries isn't mean. It's the most loving thing you can do for yourself and your relationships.
Reparenting script: When guilt arises after setting a boundary: "Thank you for trying to protect me, little one, but we don't need to earn love by saying yes anymore. We're safe to have limits."
4. Let Yourself Feel Your Feelings (All of Them)
Were you told "stop crying" or "you're being too sensitive" or "there's nothing to be upset about"?
If so, you learned that your feelings were:
Wrong
Too much
A burden to others
Something to suppress or hide
Now, as an adult, you might:
Intellectualize emotions instead of feeling them
Go numb when feelings arise
Shame yourself for having emotions
Only allow yourself to feel "acceptable" emotions like happiness
What you needed as a child: A parent who said, "All of your feelings are welcome here. It's safe to feel. I won't leave you alone with these big emotions."
How to reparent yourself now:
Name the feeling: "I'm feeling sad." "I'm feeling angry." "I'm feeling scared." Naming creates space.
Allow the feeling to move through you: Feelings are temporary. They peak and pass. Let yourself cry, rage into a pillow, shake it out.
Validate yourself: "Of course I feel this way. This makes sense. My feelings are valid."
Don't rush to fix: Sit with the feeling instead of immediately trying to make it go away.
Reparenting practice: When a big emotion arises, imagine yourself as a child. How would you comfort her? What would you say? Now give yourself that same compassion.
Reparenting affirmation: "I am allowed to feel. My feelings don't make me weak or broken. They make me human."
5. Create Safety and Predictability in Your Life
Children need structure, routine, and predictability to feel safe. When childhood was chaotic, unpredictable, or unsafe, you may have learned to live in constant vigilance—always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Now, as an adult, you might:
Struggle with anxiety or hypervigilance
Self-sabotage when things are going well
Find it hard to trust stability
Create chaos because it feels more familiar than peace
What you needed as a child: Consistency. Routines you could count on. Adults who were emotionally regulated and predictable.
How to reparent yourself now:
Create simple daily rhythms: Wake at the same time. Eat meals regularly. Have an evening routine. Predictability signals safety to your nervous system.
Keep your commitments to yourself: If you say you'll rest on Sunday, rest on Sunday. Your inner child is watching to see if you can be trusted.
Build in "safety check-ins": Throughout the day, pause and ask, "Am I safe right now?" The answer is almost always yes.
Limit chaos where you can: This doesn't mean avoiding all change, but it does mean not creating unnecessary drama or instability.
Reparenting script: When anxiety arises about the future: "I know the past felt unpredictable and scary. But right now, in this moment, we are safe. I'm in charge now, and I'm not going anywhere."
6. Play, Rest, and Do "Unproductive" Things
Were you praised only for achievement? Told that rest was laziness? Made to feel that your worth was what you could produce?
If so, you learned that:
Your value is your productivity
Play is frivolous
Rest must be earned
Joy without purpose is wasteful
Now, as an adult, you might:
Struggle to relax without feeling guilty
Fill every moment with productivity
Tie your self-worth to your accomplishments
Feel empty even when you achieve your goals
What you needed as a child: To be loved for simply existing. To play for the sake of play. To rest without needing to earn it.
How to reparent yourself now:
Schedule play: Put it in your calendar like any other important commitment. Try art, dancing, coloring, playing with a pet, building something.
Rest without earning it: Take a nap. Lie in bed. Stare at the ceiling. You don't need to be tired enough or productive enough to deserve rest.
Do things badly: Take up a hobby you're terrible at. Let yourself be a beginner. The point isn't excellence—it's enjoyment.
Create for no reason: Write, draw, make music, cook—not to post or share, just because it feels good.
Reparenting affirmation: "I don't need to earn my existence. I am worthy of joy, play, and rest simply because I'm alive."
Related reading: 6 Soft Practices for Remembering Who You Are
7. Speak Kindly to Yourself (Even When You Mess Up)
Did you grow up with harsh criticism? Were mistakes met with anger, disappointment, or shame? Were you held to impossible standards?
If so, you internalized that voice. Now it lives in your head as your inner critic—the one that tells you:
You're not good enough
You should have known better
Everyone else has it figured out
You're failing at life
What you needed as a child: A parent who said, "You made a mistake. That's how we learn. You're still loved. Let's figure this out together."
How to reparent yourself now:
Notice the inner critic: When you catch yourself in negative self-talk, pause. Ask: "Would I talk to a child this way?"
Rewrite the script: Replace "You're so stupid" with "You're learning." Replace "You always mess this up" with "This is hard, and you're doing your best."
Use your name: Talk to yourself in the third person. "Sarah, you're really struggling right now. That's okay. I'm here with you."
Apologize to yourself: If you've been harsh, say, "I'm sorry I spoke to you that way. You deserve kindness."
Reparenting practice: Place your hand on your heart and speak to yourself as you would a frightened child: "You're okay. I love you. We'll figure this out together."
8. Protect Your Energy (Even from Family)
Were you responsible for managing other people's emotions as a child? Did you learn to dim your light to make others comfortable? Were you the mediator, the caretaker, the peacekeeper?
If so, you likely:
Feel responsible for everyone's feelings
Struggle to protect your energy from draining people
Feel guilty for limiting contact with family
Prioritize others' needs over your own
What you needed as a child: To just be a child. To have your energy protected by adults, not the other way around.
How to reparent yourself now:
Audit your relationships: Who drains you? Who fills you? You're allowed to limit time with draining people, even if they're family.
Release the role of fixer: You are not responsible for anyone else's healing, happiness, or emotional regulation. Not even your parents'.
Practice energetic boundaries: Before interacting with difficult people, visualize a protective bubble around yourself. Their emotions are theirs to handle.
Give yourself permission to distance: Healing sometimes requires space from the people who wounded you, even if they didn't mean to.
Reparenting affirmation: "I am not responsible for fixing or saving anyone. My energy is sacred, and I get to protect it."
Related reading: The Invisible Weight: How Family Guilt Keeps You in Survival Mode
9. Celebrate Yourself (Not Just Your Achievements)
Were you only celebrated when you achieved something? Did love feel conditional on your performance?
If so, you learned that:
Love must be earned
Your worth is what you accomplish
Who you are isn't enough
Now, as an adult, you might:
Downplay your wins
Move immediately to the next goal without acknowledging progress
Struggle to receive compliments
Feel empty even after achieving success
What you needed as a child: To be celebrated for existing. To be seen, not just for what you did, but for who you are.
How to reparent yourself now:
Celebrate small wins: You got out of bed. You took a shower. You asked for help. These deserve recognition.
Celebrate your qualities, not just your output: "I'm proud of how kind I was today." "I'm proud of how I honored my boundaries."
Write yourself love notes: List things you appreciate about yourself that have nothing to do with productivity.
Receive compliments: When someone compliments you, simply say "thank you" instead of deflecting.
Reparenting practice: At the end of each day, tell yourself one thing you're proud of. Make it about who you were, not what you did.
10. Get Support (Because You Don't Have to Do This Alone)
Perhaps the most important way to reparent yourself is to recognize that you can't do it all alone.
If you grew up having to be self-sufficient, to never ask for help, to handle everything yourself—then asking for support might be the most healing thing you do.
What you needed as a child: Adults who were safe, attuned, and available. A community that held you. The knowledge that you didn't have to do life alone.
How to reparent yourself now:
Therapy: Find a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in inner child work, attachment, or somatic experiencing.
Community: Surround yourself with people who are also doing this work. You need witnesses to your healing.
Spiritual practices: Whether it's meditation, prayer, or connection to something larger, these practices remind you that you're held.
Sacred spaces: Find or create communities where vulnerability is welcomed and healing is normalized.
Reparenting affirmation: "I don't have to do this alone. Asking for support is a sign of strength, not weakness. I am worthy of help."
The Truth About Reparenting
Here's what no one tells you about inner child work:
It's going to hurt before it feels better.
When you start reparenting yourself, you'll come face-to-face with all the ways you weren't cared for. All the moments you needed someone and they weren't there. All the times you had to suppress yourself to stay safe.
That grief is part of the process. Feel it. Honor it. Let yourself mourn what you didn't get.
And then—slowly, gently, with so much compassion—give it to yourself now.
You're Not Broken
Your inner child isn't a problem to fix. She's a part of you that's been waiting—sometimes for decades—to be seen, heard, and held.
When you reparent yourself, you're saying:
"I'm here now. You don't have to hide anymore. You don't have to earn love. You don't have to be perfect. You're safe with me."
This is the work of The Soft Hearts Society™—learning to parent ourselves with the tenderness we always deserved.
Join Us in the Work
If you're ready to go deeper into reparenting your inner child, The Soft Hearts Society™ is here for you.
Inside our sacred membership, you'll find:
Guided inner child meditations and practices
Monthly workshops on attachment wounds, emotional healing, and breaking generational patterns
A community of women who understand what it's like to reparent yourself
Tools and resources for working with your inner child in real-time
Safe space to be exactly where you are in your healing
Which of these reparenting practices resonated most with you? What does your inner child most need to hear today? Share in the comments or connect with me on Instagram @alloniarose.
By Allonia | The Soft Hearts Society™
Save this post to come back to whenever you need a reminder of how to love yourself the way you always deserved.
