Is My Friend Using Me? How to Spot Manipulation Disguised as Vulnerability
You want to be a good friend. A supportive person. Someone who shows up when others are struggling.
But somewhere in the back of your mind, there's a nagging feeling. A quiet discomfort you keep pushing away.
Something doesn't feel right.
She always seems to be in crisis. Always needs something. Always has a reason why she can't handle things on her own.
And somehow, you keep ending up as the solution - emotionally, practically, or financially.
But when you try to show up in the ways you offered, it's never quite right. The plans change. She's already figured it out herself. Or worse - she acts like you never offered in the first place.
And then you notice: you're not the only one she's asked. You're part of a lineup.
The Pattern I Didn't Want to See
I used to be the queen of explaining people's behavior away.
"She's just been let down before."
"She's in survival mode - I remember what that felt like."
"She doesn't know how to ask for help directly."
I would bend over backward to understand why someone kept putting me in positions that felt... off. Uncomfortable. Strategic.
But here's what I've learned: There's a difference between someone genuinely struggling and someone strategically positioning people with resources around them as safety nets.
And when you're recovering from being a chronic people-pleaser and burned-out giver, that distinction is everything.
Signs You're Being Used, Not Helping
Here's what manipulation disguised as vulnerability actually looks like:
1. The Backup Plan Has Backup Plans
She doesn't just ask you for support - she asks multiple people for the same thing. Not because she needs a village (which is healthy), but because she doesn't trust anyone to actually show up. So she hedges her bets.
When you notice the pattern, you realize: You're not being invited into authentic connection. You're being positioned on a game board.
2. The Gaslighting When You Try to Help
You offer support. You make plans. You show up.
But then she pivots - does it herself, asks someone else, or acts like you never committed in the first place. And when you bring it up, suddenly YOU'RE the one who's too busy, who didn't communicate clearly, who let her down.
She rewrites history to keep you off-balance and feeling guilty.
3. The Strategic Selection
Look around at who else she's asking for help. Do they all have something in common?
Resources. Money. Connections. Influence.
She's not building authentic community. She's building a safety net of people who can catch her - financially, practically, or socially.
4. The Damsel in Distress Performance
She presents herself as helpless, overwhelmed, constantly struggling. But when you look closer, she's actually extremely capable. She plans big events. She handles complex situations. She's strategic and organized.
The helplessness is performance. The vulnerability is manipulation.
5. The Impatience
She's not willing to wait for support to unfold naturally or for people to show up in their own timing. If one avenue doesn't work immediately, she's already reached out to three other people or organizations.
It's not about genuine need. It's about getting what she wants, when she wants it, by any means necessary - including false pretenses.
Why This Feels So Confusing
If you're someone who's been the chronic giver, the people-pleaser, the one everyone depends on - recognizing manipulation feels like betrayal of your own values.
You think: "Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe she really is just struggling and I'm judging her survival strategies."
But here's the truth: You're allowed to have discernment.
You're allowed to notice when someone isn't seeking authentic connection but strategic positioning.
You're allowed to feel uncomfortable when you realize you were chosen not for who you are, but for what you have.
You're allowed to create distance, even without explanation.
What Healed Me
The old me would have said yes to whatever she asked. I would have overextended myself emotionally and financially. I would have been used and discarded when I was no longer useful.
The healed me recognized the pattern and chose differently.
I asked myself: "Does this feel like authentic community, or does this feel like I'm being added to a strategic game board?"
My body answered immediately. My Splenic authority spoke. My ancestors confirmed.
And I released myself from the obligation.
No explanation. No justification. No guilt.
Because I don't owe anyone access to my energy, resources, or heart just because they're performing struggle.
The Difference Between Helping and Being Used
Authentic need looks like:
Vulnerability without manipulation
Asking directly without gaslighting when you show up
Building reciprocal relationships, not transactional ones
Trusting the people who offer support instead of hedging bets
Patience and respect for others' capacity and timing
Strategic manipulation looks like:
Performing helplessness while being highly capable
Positioning multiple people as backups without transparency
Gaslighting when people try to follow through
Choosing people based on resources, not relationship
Using false pretenses to get what she wants
Playing victim while orchestrating outcomes
If you're recovering from people-pleasing, you need to learn this distinction. Your healing depends on it.
Trust Your Discernment
If something feels off, it probably is.
If you keep explaining someone's behavior away, pause and ask why.
If you feel like you're being positioned rather than invited into authentic connection, trust that feeling.
You're not being judgmental. You're not lacking compassion. You're not refusing to help someone who's genuinely struggling.
You're recognizing manipulation. And you're choosing to protect your energy.
That's not selfish. That's wisdom.
You Don't Owe Explanation
When you recognize you're being used, you don't have to:
Explain why you're creating distance
Justify your boundaries
Teach her what she's doing wrong
Give her another chance to prove herself
She knows what she's doing. Users always know.
You can simply step back. Create space. Release yourself from the obligation.
And trust that the women who've already distanced themselves from her had the same discernment you're having now.
Healing Means Choosing Differently
In the Soft Hearts Society™, we talk about this all the time - the difference between genuine support and strategic manipulation. Between healthy community and transactional relationships.
We create space for women who are learning to:
Trust their discernment instead of explaining behavior away
Set boundaries without guilt, even with people who are "struggling."
Recognize when they're being positioned as a resource instead of valued as a person
Say no to obligations that feel icky, even when they can't articulate exactly why
You don't have to keep giving to prove you're a good person. You don't have to ignore your discomfort to be compassionate.
You can hold space for someone's struggle AND recognize they're manipulating you. Both can be true.
Come sit with us. We're here.
With love and softness,
Allonia
