The Boundary I Should Have Set 20 Years Ago (And Why I'm Teaching My Daughter Differently)

What happens when a people-pleaser finally learns to say no

I was forty-one years old the first time I said no to someone without apologizing.

Forty-one.

Four decades of "yes" when I meant no. Four decades of over-explaining, over-giving, over-functioning. Four decades of making myself smaller so they could be comfortable.

And then one day, after months of healing work, therapy, and building my altar practice, I finally said it:

"No. I'm not doing that."

No explanation. No apology. No "I'm so sorry, but..." or "I wish I could, but..."

Just no.

And you know what happened?

The world didn't end.

These people were angry, yes. They gave me the silent treatment for weeks. They told other family members I was "selfish" and "cold." They tried every manipulation tactic they’d used on me since childhood.

But I held the boundary.

And for the first time in my life, I felt like I could breathe.

The Cost of Having No Boundaries

Let me tell you what a lifetime of no boundaries looks like.

It looks like working four jobs at once while everyone else in my family worked zero.

It looks like paying rent for my mother while she spent her Social Security check on things she didn't need.

It looks like being the emotional dumping ground for everyone's problems while having no one to turn to with mine.

It looks like saying "yes" to every request even when I was drowning.

It looks like complete burnout that left me bedridden for months.

It looks like my teenage daughter becoming my caregiver because I'd given everything away until there was nothing left.

That's what no boundaries cost me.

My health. My energy. My relationship with my daughter. My sense of self. Nearly my life.

Where I Learned to Have No Boundaries

I didn't wake up one day and decide to be a doormat.

I was trained.

I grew up with a narcissistic mother who taught me—explicitly and implicitly—that my needs didn't matter. That love was conditional on my usefulness. That saying no meant I was selfish, ungrateful, and bad.

I watched her manipulate, guilt-trip, and rage at anyone who set boundaries with her. I learned that boundaries equaled abandonment. That protecting myself meant losing love.

So I never set them.

I became the "good daughter." The helpful one. The one who never said no. The one everyone could count on because I'd light myself on fire to keep them warm.

And my mother loved that version of me—the compliant, endlessly giving, boundary-less me.

She didn't love me. She loved what I could do for her.

It took me forty-three years to understand the difference.

The Pattern I Passed to My Daughter

Here's the part that breaks my heart:

I taught Rose the same thing.

Not intentionally. Not maliciously. But through my example.

Rose watched me say yes to everyone. She watched me over-function and over-give. She watched me sacrifice my health, my time, my money, my energy for people who didn't appreciate it.

And she learned that's what women do.

She learned to be hypervigilant to others' needs. To read my moods and adjust herself accordingly. To make herself small when I was stressed. To never ask for too much.

She learned people-pleasing from the master.

When I collapsed from burnout and she became my caregiver at thirteen, she didn't complain. She didn't say "this isn't fair." She just... did it.

Because that's what she'd learned love looks like.

Sacrifice. Over-giving. Ignoring your own needs to take care of someone else's.

I was horrified when I realized what I'd modeled for her.

I'd been so focused on NOT being my mother that I didn't realize I was still passing down the same wound—just in a different form.

My mother had no boundaries and demanded that everyone serve her.

I had no boundaries and served everyone.

Same wound. Different expression.

And Rose was learning to do the same.

The Conversation That Changed Everything

During my months of bedrest, Rose and I had a lot of time to talk.

One day, she said something that shattered me:

"Mom, I don't know how to say no to people. I feel guilty every time I try."

She was thirteen.

Thirteen years old and already carrying the burden of people-pleasing that took me forty-one years to name.

I asked her where she learned that.

She looked at me and said, "From watching you."

In that moment, I knew: If I didn't heal this, she never would either.

I couldn't undo the past. I couldn't take back all the years of modeling boundary-less living. But I could start showing her something different.

I could become the woman I needed her to see.

So I started setting boundaries. Real ones. Hard ones. Uncomfortable ones.

And I brought her along in the process.

The Boundaries I've Set (And How I Did It)

Here are some of the boundaries I've set in the past five years—boundaries I never thought I was "allowed" to set:

🚫 WITH MY MOTHER (before she passed):

"I'm not giving you money anymore. You have enough for your needs. If you choose to spend it on other things, that's your choice, but I won't cover it."

How I did it: I stopped responding to her requests for money. When she called, I said "I'm not able to help with that" and changed the subject. When she pushed, I ended the call.

What happened: She raged. She cried. She told family I was heartless. Then she figured it out on her own. And our relationship actually got slightly better because I wasn't constantly resenting her.

🚫 WITH FAMILY MEMBERS:

"I'm not housing anyone else. I need my space to be my own."

How I did it: When a family member asked to move in "temporarily," I said "That doesn't work for me" and offered to help them find resources instead. When they pushed, I repeated the boundary without explaining.

What happened: They were upset at first. But they found another solution. And I kept my home as my sanctuary.

🚫 WITH WORK:

"I'm not working four jobs anymore. I'm scaling back to what's sustainable."

How I did it: I quit three of my four income streams. Yes, it meant less money. But it also meant I could breathe. I focused on building my business (Allonia Rose) instead of grinding myself to death.

What happened: I made less money for a while. But I didn't die from burnout. And eventually, my business grew to replace what I'd lost—without the exhaustion.

🚫 WITH FRIENDS:

"I can't be everyone's therapist anymore. I need reciprocal relationships."

How I did it: When friends called to vent for hours, I started saying "I only have 20 minutes" or "I'm not in a space to hold this right now—can we talk later?" When relationships stayed one-sided, I let them fade.

What happened: Some friendships ended. It hurt. But the ones that remained became deeper, healthier, and actually reciprocal.

🚫 WITH MYSELF:

"I'm not allowed to say yes without checking in with my body first."

How I did it: When someone asks me for something, I pause. I feel into my body. If there's tension, dread, or heaviness, the answer is no. If there's openness and ease, it might be yes. I give myself 24 hours to decide on anything non-urgent.

What happened: I stopped over-committing. I stopped resenting people for asking. I started trusting myself.

What Rose Is Learning Now

The most powerful thing I've done isn't just setting boundaries for myself.

It's showing Rose how to set them.

We talk about boundaries all the time now:

• When she feels guilty saying no to a friend

• When she's overwhelmed by others' expectations

• When she needs space from me (yes, even from me)

• When she's being asked to carry something that isn't hers

I don't just tell her "set boundaries."

I show her what it looks like.

I model saying no without guilt.
I model ending conversations when they're draining.
I model prioritizing my needs without apologizing.
I model holding boundaries even when people are upset.

And she's learning.

At sixteen, she's already better at boundaries than I was at forty. She says no to things she doesn't want to do. She walks away from friendships that drain her. She tells me when she needs space.

She's not carrying the wound I carried.

And that's the whole point.

The Guilt Never Fully Goes Away (And That's Okay)

I wish I could tell you that setting boundaries feels empowering and liberating 100% of the time.

But I'd be lying.

Setting boundaries still feels uncomfortable.

Even now, after years of practice, I sometimes feel:

• Guilt ("Am I being selfish?")

• Fear ("What if they leave me?")

• Shame ("Good women don't say no")

• Doubt ("Maybe I should just do it")

The difference is: I do it anyway.

I've learned that discomfort is not a sign I'm doing something wrong. It's a sign I'm doing something different.

Discomfort is the price of growth.

And I'd rather feel temporarily guilty for protecting myself than permanently resentful for abandoning myself.

The Boundary Scripts That Actually Work

People always ask me: "But how do you say no?"

Here are the actual phrases I use:

THE SIMPLE NO:

"That doesn't work for me."
"I'm not able to do that."
"No, thank you."

“That’s not in my capacity today.”

No explanation needed. The more you explain, the more they'll try to problem-solve around your boundary.

THE TIME-BUYING NO:

"Let me check my calendar and get back to you."
"I need to think about that."
"I'll let you know by [specific time]."

This gives you space to feel into whether it's a real yes or a guilt-driven yes.

THE ALTERNATIVE OFFER:

"I can't do X, but I can do Y."
"That's not possible, but here's what I can offer."

Use this only if you genuinely want to offer the alternative. Don't offer just to soften the no.

THE REDIRECT:

"I'm not the right person for this. Have you tried [resource/person]?"
"That's outside my capacity right now. Here's someone who might be able to help."

You're not responsible for solving every problem presented to you.

THE BROKEN RECORD:

Just repeat your boundary. Over and over.
"I'm not able to do that."
"But why not?"
"I'm not able to do that."
"Can't you just—"
"I'm not able to do that."

Eventually, they'll stop pushing.

THE END CONVERSATION:

"I need to go now."
"I'm going to hang up now."
"I'm not discussing this anymore."

Sometimes you have to physically remove yourself. That's okay.

What Boundaries Have Given Me

Since I started setting boundaries, I've gained:

✨ Energy – I'm no longer depleted from over-giving
✨ Time – I have space for my own life, my own desires
✨ Authentic relationships – The ones who stayed are the real ones
✨ Self-respect – I finally value myself as much as I value others
✨ Health – I'm not bedridden from burnout anymore
✨ A relationship with my daughter – Based on mutuality, not martyrdom
✨ Peace – I'm not constantly resentful or overwhelmed

Boundaries didn't take anything from me.

They gave me back my life.

What I'm Teaching in the Soft Hearts Society™

Inside the Soft Hearts Society™, boundaries are one of our core teachings.

Month 3 of our membership is entirely dedicated to boundaries:

• Why boundaries are so hard (especially for women)

• The difference between soft no's and hard no's

• How to set boundaries with family (the hardest ones)

• What to do when boundaries are violated

• Scripts for every scenario

• How to manage guilt, fear, and people's reactions

• Repairing relationships after setting boundaries

We don't just talk about boundaries theoretically.

We practice them together.

In community discussions.
In chat rooms.
In livestreams where you can ask about your specific situation.
In courses that walk you through step by step.

Rose and I teach from our lived experience of going from boundary-less to boundaried—and we hold your hand through the messy middle.

The Invitation

If you've spent your whole life saying yes when you meant no...

If you've given so much that there's nothing left for yourself...

If you're tired of feeling resentful, depleted, and taken advantage of...

If you want to break this cycle so your children don't inherit it...

The Soft Hearts Society™ is for you.

We'll teach you how to set boundaries without guilt.
We'll give you the scripts and tools you need.
We'll hold space for the discomfort that comes with choosing yourself.
We'll celebrate every boundary you set—even the small ones.

You don't have to figure this out alone.

JOIN US AND LEARN TO SET BOUNDARIES →

A Final Word from Rose

Rose wanted me to include this:

"My mom used to apologize for everything—for taking up space, for having needs, for existing. Watching her learn to set boundaries showed me I don't have to live that way. I'm sixteen and I already know how to say no without guilt. That's the gift she gave me by doing her own healing work. If you have daughters (or sons, or anyone you love), the greatest gift you can give them is modeling boundaries. They're watching. Show them it's possible."

She's right.

Your healing is never just for you.

It ripples forward and backward through generations.

With boundaries and so much love,

Allonia & Rose

P.S. The boundary that changed my life? The one I should have set twenty years ago?

"No."

Just that. Just no.

No apology. No explanation. No guilt.

It's the most powerful word I ever learned. 🌸