Perimenopause, changing capacity, and finding pieces of myself in ordinary moments
I've been thinking about how strange it is to become a different version of yourself while still being expected to live exactly as you always have.
Perimenopause has brought that experience into sharper focus for me.
My body has its own rhythms now.
Some days, I have energy and clarity.
Other days, I'm tired in ways that are difficult to explain. Sleep can be unpredictable. My emotions can feel closer to the surface.
And while I'm learning to understand these changes, life continues.
There are household responsibilities.
There's work.
There's motherhood.
There are people I love and worry about.
And there's Allonia Rose, a calling I care deeply about.
None of these things simply disappear because my body is asking for something different.
Who am I becoming?
One thing I've been realizing is that perimenopause isn't only about physical changes.
For me, it has also brought questions about identity.
Who am I when I no longer want to live at the pace I once maintained?
What happens when my body requires more consideration than I've given it in the past?
What does it mean to change while still being responsible for so much?
Sometimes I miss aspects of the woman I used to be.
And sometimes I'm curious about the woman I'm becoming.
Both feelings can exist.
I don't believe we always have to celebrate change to accept that it's happening.
Sometimes we need time to understand it.
I've reflected on that feeling of meeting an older season as a different woman in Same Season, Different Woman.
Lately, it feels especially relevant.
There are days when I don't want to work on myself
I believe deeply in healing.
It's part of my work and how I understand the world.
But there are days when I don't want another practice, another reflection, or another opportunity for personal growth.
Sometimes I simply want to enjoy my life.
I want to read a book.
I want to study something that fascinates me.
I want to spend time in nature.
I want to listen to music.
And I want those experiences to belong to me without having to explain how they're contributing to my healing.
That matters.
Women deserve interests beyond their responsibilities and identities beyond what they're enduring.
What I'm Listening to This Season
One of my favorite bands is Hammock.
I love their music. There's something about it that gives me room for deep reflection. Their music often accompanies me when I'm sitting with my thoughts, emotions, and the uncertainties of life.
Sometimes I listen while I'm reading.
Sometimes while I'm sitting quietly, remembering, or thinking about the woman I'm becoming.
And sometimes I listen simply because I love the music.
I'm not listening because I expect a song to resolve anything.
I'm listening because it makes room for whatever is already present.
Some days that might be sadness.
Other days, peace, curiosity, gratitude, or uncertainty.
And some days I don't need to name the feeling at all.
I've created a Spotify playlist called Soft Hearts Era, sharing some of the music I'm carrying into this season.
Hammock is an important part of that listening experience, and I'll continue adding music as the season unfolds. There isn't a prescribed way to listen.
You might enjoy it while reading, journaling, walking, resting, or simply sitting with yourself.
And if the music doesn't speak to you, that's okay, too. We each have our own ways of finding moments of reflection.
Learning to respect the woman I am today
I'm discovering that honoring my changing body doesn't mean giving up the things that matter to me.
It means being more thoughtful about how I approach them.
There are responsibilities I cannot abandon.
But there are expectations I can reconsider.
There are days when I need to do less.
And there are days when reading, learning, listening to music, or being outside reminds me that I am still a whole woman.
Not simply a mother.
Not simply a professor.
Not simply a facilitator.
Not simply a woman navigating perimenopause.
I am all those things, and I am more than any one of them.
If rest has become complicated for you, you might also appreciate Rest Is Where I Can Hear Myself Again.
I am not trying to become the woman I used to be.
I'm learning to listen to the one who is here now.
A Gentle Invitation
If you're navigating perimenopause or menopause and want space to explore the physical, emotional, relational, and personal dimensions of this transition, you're welcome to learn about The Crossing™.
It's a space for reflection and accompaniment alongside the medical care you may need, not another demand to become someone different.
And if today is simply a day for reading, listening to music, or resting, that is enough, too.
With love and lineage,
Allonia
